Taking a time out

The last week of mine has been pure crud on a stick.

Like, really really bad.

So bad that I’ve had to come back to my mums for a few days (yeah, I know, that bad).

Monday, I had poor Danny B listening to my problems whilst I blubbed uncontrollably. I felt totally empty and like I had no clue at all what I was doing anymore. He felt awkward because I don’t do hugs and what do you usually do when someone is making a scene? Put your arm around them.

“I’m guessing you don’t want a hug?”

“No, please don’t touch me, but thanks.”

Since last Wednesday (until last night) I’d been trying to function on a couple of broken hours of sleep due to insomnia. Not like when girls on insta write on their stories when they suddenly wake up at 4am “hate insomnia can’t sleep wah”, but it’s just one of the many side effects of the new medication I’m on.

I’m absolutely shattered but just lay there awake. I tried pillow sprays, sleeping pills, a relaxing bath, no phone, Stephen Fry’s voice… nothing worked.

And parents, don’t come at me for saying “oh well I always have to function on broken sleep” because I absolutely do not care. I now feel sorry for you, yes, but that is irrelevant. Put it in a room, turn off the lights and lock the door.

If you don’t have it, you probably think of depression as people who are just proper sad all the time and can’t do anything. They mope about and feel pity 24/7. I’ve learnt that’s not true. For a few years I’ve still gone out, partied, had a laugh, made new friends and had a great time.

Saturday was pretty rubbish, Sunday I couldn’t leave my bedroom, Monday I forced myself to the office and my entire day was hideous (I probably couldn’t put into words just how hideous), and Tuesday wasn’t entirely awful… but I took yesterday off to have lunch with a friend and to drive back home.

Luckily, I work somewhere that understands you don’t need to be sat at your desk to work. My job is entirely on this laptop. I can log in from anywhere and do what I need to do for the day. Yeah, it can have some restrictions if you can’t sit and chat about something, but that’s what phones are for, right? Nice one, Alexander Bell, you’ve taken the edge off my week.

I’m working 3 hours away from the office for the next couple of days or else I’d probably have crumbled. I’m sat on mums’ bed, still waiting for her to bring me a cup of tea (not expecting it any time soon) and holding out for her to go and pick up some lunch, put it on a plate and bring it upstairs. Again, not expecting it any time soon. But if you’re reading this mum, a Subway would be nice.

Not everyone has the luxury (mad that it is still considered one) to take time away for something that isn’t a ‘real sick day’. I didn’t want to not work, but the thought of working in the office – as lovely as it is – was too much. I love sitting on my own and doing what I need to do, and I’m way more productive that way, but equally being at home wasn’t really an option.

At the end of the day, you’ve got to think it could be worse. You could be Jacob Rees Mogg. But you’re not. You’re a good person. And that’s all that matters.

M x